I was really excited about 14.5. See my post about it.
…and then it happened….
I was about halfway through the workout, in the set of 15 thrusters, when my left shoulder popped. So I set the bar down, shook it out, took a deep breath, picked it up, and tried again. Another pop. I set the bar down and walked away.
It feels like giving up.
It feels like defeat.
It feels like I’m not good enough.
I actually wanted to cry. I was the only one in the gym that wasn’t going to finish the workout. Everyone else who wasn’t going to finish the workout had intelligently decided not to attempt it.
I spent the afternoon icing my shoulder, went to be early, stretched really well on Sunday, and still felt funny going to CrossFit on Monday. Thankfully the workout wasn’t too bad and ended up stretching my shoulder more than working it.
My disgusted feelings about myself gave me permission to eat trashy all weekend. I’m not going to list out the nonsense of food I consumed but it did include an entire box of gluten-free oreos, cookies, wine, and popcorn. Eating trashy makes me sleepy and grumpy so I slept through a friend’s birthday party and made excuses for secluding myself all weekend. This only further exaggerates the issues. By Tuesday I was just angry at myself.
Thankfully on Tuesday I was meeting someone from church to review a volunteer role I’m assuming. After our conversation at Starbucks, I decided to continue reading a book I’m reading for my small group. A few chapters of “A Praying Life” by Paul Miller made me reach for my Bible and my Bible made me reach for prayer time with God. I need help from God to have a good attitude and to have my heart following His plans for me and not my own. The CrossFit Open gave me a really good attitude adjustment (after first showing me how self centered and physically-minded I am).
I still need God to help me with what I am eating (which sounds dumb but it’s the truth) as well as where my heart is focused, but He has answered prayers. I want to compete in the Open for years to come and see marked improvements. I don’t want to go to Regionals, just compete to the best of my ability. I need to push myself in the gym on a regular basis – more than I was in the past – but I don’t need it to define me. God defines me. Jesus defines how God sees me and for that, I am immensely thankful!