Hard

Sometimes life if just plain hard.

I don’t have a reason for it. I try to understand it but sometimes I just want to be upset about it. Sometimes I just want to be mad about it.

It also stirs up something inside me that I can’t control very well. It’s something that will probably be wonderful when I have children but for the time being, it makes it harder. I find myself physically shaking and wishing it was me and only me that had to go through it. Not them.

I wish I could take their pain.

I wish I could change the outcome.

I wish I could say the right thing.

I wish I could hug them.

I wish I could change what’s happened.

It is emotionally draining but I wouldn’t change it. I would change the event but not knowing.

These events make us stronger.

These events define the course of our lives.

These events mark my life like brands. The scars may diminish but memories last. I remember where I was when you called saying the tornado had torn apart the town we used to live in, when I watched the towers fall, when you called to tell me you had lost a child I didn’t yet know about, when you’re dad had another stroke, when your mother died, when I found out you were being deployed. I remember like yesterday how my life changed. My friends have made me stronger but sometimes I wish life wasn’t quite so hard for them.

I am thankful for their perseverance. I am thankful for them setting the bar so high. I try to have their strength, their passion, their compassion, their understanding. I pray for them.

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